The Guide to {Sunless} Tanning...

...and how I can help you look nothing like Snooki! <--That took many years to perfect... I might still cross the line, but hey- it's all 'experimental'

I created this post for a GUIDE for all my pale, pasty, white friends to be able to refer back to- I'm so sweet and thoughtful!

Ok- all joking aside, I decided I should post something like this because I am the "go-to" person people ask about tanning, I figured I could address everyone {and those who haven't asked YET}! So, shall we start? I'll pretend Ryan Seacrest or someone famous is interviewing me like I actually have something important to discuss... Here goes!!

***If you don't spray, have zero intentions of spraying, or could care less about tanning, please skip this post! I'll be back to normal posts after this one!***

What's your favorite spray tan method/brand?


Well, Ryan, I am absolutely obsessed with VersaSpa.  {Unfortunately, they have no idea I exist and won't be sending me a fat paycheck for that endorsement...}. "Versa" gives the absolute BEST artificial tan out on the market and prevents the orange and streakiness other spray booths give. I will honestly say that I am too ashamed of my gross body to even go to a live person to spray me in nothing but my under garments on...So, I can't say I've tried it all to be able to judge. I only do machine sprays- on top of being private, it's more thorough and less user-error, and is above all the quickest way. It takes about 45 seconds to get a tan that would have taken me a week or two to achieve in a lay down bed.

*Please note the boost of confidence that tan gave her! HA*

There's 4 poses and I have mastered them. I can do them in my sleep. I'm that awesome. Or lame, but I prefer awesome. They will have a chart posted on the wall for you- so don't worry. I'll spare you the pictures of me doing the poses for you.

How should I prepare for the spray tan?


Shower, shave, exfoliate (SSE) before and DO NOT apply any lotion OR make up. When I versa, I usually SSE first thing in the morning {aka 11 am HA} and then head straight to the tanning salon to get sprayed. No jewelry either {duh.}

How long should I wait before showering?


THEY say 4-6 hours, I say 6 hours minimum. I usually spray the day BEFORE an event just so I can prepare for any mishaps {rare} and so I can let it set a full day/overnight.

**Side note: this doesn't apply to me because I'm lazy, but for all you worker-outers, I wouldn't work out before the 6 hours either. No one wants to see you wipe that gym towel and toss it in the bin looking all gross with your spray tan haha and also, it will mess up the tan where your clothes are rubbing in to it.

Will I stink all day?

You won't stink, but it just depends on the person. I personally like the way versa smells and my sister HATES it. She won't come near me when I spray. But, in comparison to the home tanner kits, lotions, and Mystic Spray, it smells a LOT better.

Does it stain my clothes?

Here's an "Ordyism": "Dang it, woman! Would you QUIT wearing my undershirts??? EVERY SINGLE one has your dang spray tan all over it!!!"

Oops. So, the answer to that question is I think so. But it usually comes out. But in the event that it doesn't, and you want to sue me, let me just go ahead and tell you what I do...

I go to spray in a baggy colored t-shirt (Navy/Black t-shirt- baggy because I usually leave the bra at home because I hate to have the underwire rub the tan off right after, not that it matters, but I really just don't like ruining my nice pretty bras with the bronzer). Right after the spray tan is when it generally rubs, so I always wear a dark baggy tee and my black yoga sweats with flip flops. That way I don't mind if anything rubs off. I usually don't have my white sheets on either because in the event that you break a sweat in your sleep, it'll seep onto the sheets.

Ok, so now that I know to VersaSpa, what level do I choose?


This is entirely your choice. I am not going to be the one to blame if you come out looking like snooki. I will say tho, people say I have an "olive complexion" and my regular Versa is LIGHT BRONZE.

Let me break it down for you:

Light Bronze
Medium Bronze
Dark Bronze

Light Clear
Medium Clear
Dark Clear

The bronze basically means "instant". The clear means "delayed". What this means is, if you want to go Versa on a lunch break, you would do clear and have the spray kick in after the 6 hours, and prevent walking in to work looking like you just went to Cancun and back in your 30 minutes... The bronze is for people who want a better sense of gauging how it will darken in the next few hours. I like bronze because I like seeing if a certain area is too dark, I can gently rub it in and fix it while it's freshly on.

Please, hold the laughter. I heard it every day from loved ones, I know- I was tanorexic. But the pictures were taken because there was no time for that 14th shower to rinse... but I'm sucking it up and showing you, so that you may learn from my mistakes :) From good, to bad, to just plain UGLY...

{Starts light, sets darker} 

{Notice I skipped medium clear? Because after I left the light, I figured it didn't do anything, so I went straight to DARK. DUMB. I left the salon at 3pm with NO color and by the time I was at dinner, I was Snookified!!! Oh, the horror. It was so unexpected. I went to the bathroom and wanted to cry} Plus, with "Clear" in the description, it seemed so harmless. Like if someone described a weapon as "fluffy"... it seemed like an oxymoron! DARK CANNOT BE CLEAR! DARK is what is pictured below!!!

 {Refrain from any Snooki remarks, I know, I know- heard it all before}

See the resemblance??? I've learned. Trust me. I get it now. No one wants to look like Snooki...


I hope this was all very informative for all you equally as shallow people out there who need that artificial tan! Just kidding. I love me some spray tan. I always feel 10 lbs thinner, even if I haven't lost an ounce... It's all in the head, oh well!

Let me know if I left anything out. Leave a comment or e-mail me!