The Guide to {Sunless} Tanning...

...and how I can help you look nothing like Snooki! <--That took many years to perfect... I might still cross the line, but hey- it's all 'experimental'

I created this post for a GUIDE for all my pale, pasty, white friends to be able to refer back to- I'm so sweet and thoughtful!

Ok- all joking aside, I decided I should post something like this because I am the "go-to" person people ask about tanning, I figured I could address everyone {and those who haven't asked YET}! So, shall we start? I'll pretend Ryan Seacrest or someone famous is interviewing me like I actually have something important to discuss... Here goes!!

***If you don't spray, have zero intentions of spraying, or could care less about tanning, please skip this post! I'll be back to normal posts after this one!***

What's your favorite spray tan method/brand?


Well, Ryan, I am absolutely obsessed with VersaSpa.  {Unfortunately, they have no idea I exist and won't be sending me a fat paycheck for that endorsement...}. "Versa" gives the absolute BEST artificial tan out on the market and prevents the orange and streakiness other spray booths give. I will honestly say that I am too ashamed of my gross body to even go to a live person to spray me in nothing but my under garments on...So, I can't say I've tried it all to be able to judge. I only do machine sprays- on top of being private, it's more thorough and less user-error, and is above all the quickest way. It takes about 45 seconds to get a tan that would have taken me a week or two to achieve in a lay down bed.

*Please note the boost of confidence that tan gave her! HA*

There's 4 poses and I have mastered them. I can do them in my sleep. I'm that awesome. Or lame, but I prefer awesome. They will have a chart posted on the wall for you- so don't worry. I'll spare you the pictures of me doing the poses for you.

How should I prepare for the spray tan?


Shower, shave, exfoliate (SSE) before and DO NOT apply any lotion OR make up. When I versa, I usually SSE first thing in the morning {aka 11 am HA} and then head straight to the tanning salon to get sprayed. No jewelry either {duh.}

How long should I wait before showering?


THEY say 4-6 hours, I say 6 hours minimum. I usually spray the day BEFORE an event just so I can prepare for any mishaps {rare} and so I can let it set a full day/overnight.

**Side note: this doesn't apply to me because I'm lazy, but for all you worker-outers, I wouldn't work out before the 6 hours either. No one wants to see you wipe that gym towel and toss it in the bin looking all gross with your spray tan haha and also, it will mess up the tan where your clothes are rubbing in to it.

Will I stink all day?

You won't stink, but it just depends on the person. I personally like the way versa smells and my sister HATES it. She won't come near me when I spray. But, in comparison to the home tanner kits, lotions, and Mystic Spray, it smells a LOT better.

Does it stain my clothes?

Here's an "Ordyism": "Dang it, woman! Would you QUIT wearing my undershirts??? EVERY SINGLE one has your dang spray tan all over it!!!"

Oops. So, the answer to that question is I think so. But it usually comes out. But in the event that it doesn't, and you want to sue me, let me just go ahead and tell you what I do...

I go to spray in a baggy colored t-shirt (Navy/Black t-shirt- baggy because I usually leave the bra at home because I hate to have the underwire rub the tan off right after, not that it matters, but I really just don't like ruining my nice pretty bras with the bronzer). Right after the spray tan is when it generally rubs, so I always wear a dark baggy tee and my black yoga sweats with flip flops. That way I don't mind if anything rubs off. I usually don't have my white sheets on either because in the event that you break a sweat in your sleep, it'll seep onto the sheets.

Ok, so now that I know to VersaSpa, what level do I choose?


This is entirely your choice. I am not going to be the one to blame if you come out looking like snooki. I will say tho, people say I have an "olive complexion" and my regular Versa is LIGHT BRONZE.

Let me break it down for you:

Light Bronze
Medium Bronze
Dark Bronze

Light Clear
Medium Clear
Dark Clear

The bronze basically means "instant". The clear means "delayed". What this means is, if you want to go Versa on a lunch break, you would do clear and have the spray kick in after the 6 hours, and prevent walking in to work looking like you just went to Cancun and back in your 30 minutes... The bronze is for people who want a better sense of gauging how it will darken in the next few hours. I like bronze because I like seeing if a certain area is too dark, I can gently rub it in and fix it while it's freshly on.

Please, hold the laughter. I heard it every day from loved ones, I know- I was tanorexic. But the pictures were taken because there was no time for that 14th shower to rinse... but I'm sucking it up and showing you, so that you may learn from my mistakes :) From good, to bad, to just plain UGLY...

{Starts light, sets darker} 

{Notice I skipped medium clear? Because after I left the light, I figured it didn't do anything, so I went straight to DARK. DUMB. I left the salon at 3pm with NO color and by the time I was at dinner, I was Snookified!!! Oh, the horror. It was so unexpected. I went to the bathroom and wanted to cry} Plus, with "Clear" in the description, it seemed so harmless. Like if someone described a weapon as "fluffy"... it seemed like an oxymoron! DARK CANNOT BE CLEAR! DARK is what is pictured below!!!

 {Refrain from any Snooki remarks, I know, I know- heard it all before}

See the resemblance??? I've learned. Trust me. I get it now. No one wants to look like Snooki...


I hope this was all very informative for all you equally as shallow people out there who need that artificial tan! Just kidding. I love me some spray tan. I always feel 10 lbs thinner, even if I haven't lost an ounce... It's all in the head, oh well!

Let me know if I left anything out. Leave a comment or e-mail me!

ugh.

so much to say but don't even feel like saying... weird, huh? It's that time of year/month/season/whatever... I look back on pictures and see HOW MUCH WEIGHT I HAVE GAINED and have a little pity party for myself while my friends and family listen to me like a broken record swear off sweet tea and fried foods... until I'm desperately looking for a healthy alternative on my way to class and go to Chickfila again. It's a never ending cycle. Feel fat. Eat good for one day. Work out for one day. No time- CFA drive thru. I'm SO sick of it. I am so ready to lose 50 lbs. and I DON'T KNOW HOW. I know it's drastic but whatever... I feel like it's a good goal. I talked to my friend about this- bc 50 lbs is a lot, and i am sure i'd be ok with losing 35- but i really don't care about the weight... i want to be 3-4 sizes smaller. I have a goal i just don't know how to achieve it. I feel helpless! <-- so pathetic because if i had enough will power i would eat right and go hit the pavement- but no.

It doesn't help that I got in this mood after shopping all day for a dress to wear to an upcoming wedding. UGH! THERE ARE NO NICE DRESSES OUT THERE! and also, DO NOT WAIT FOR THE WEEK OF THE WEDDING TO GO DRESS SHOPPING! I mean, dang. you'd think that's a given...apparently not. The one dress i loved and was LONG like i wanted (to cover my gross legs) was too small (go figure) and the nearest Bloomingdale's with my size (size extra extra chunky) was in California. Um. on second thought, please do NOT order that size fat and let me lose weight before spending $xxx.xx on a dress. thanks.


ugh. so depressing. yes, the title of the post is "ugh"- and i will be exercising my right to use it freely throughout this post.

After a depressing 50 store search and after one too many dresses messing up my hair and getting caught in the zippers- i bought 2, borrowed 1 and am calling it a day. I still don't know what i'll be wearing because all 3 are short and show (gross) leg. so we'll see.

why. can't. i. just. be. naturally. skinny.

i mean, WHY. I wanna punch all the skinny people who can eat whatever they want and not have an ounce of fat! ok, no i don't want to punch you really, i just wanna eat a bag of swedish fish WITH you and enjoy it like you do!

Ok, enough jibber jabber. I had to vent... and I still don't know what to do. I'm legit NOT in the mood to go back to Tony Horton and his upbeat, pleasant, chirpy self anytime soon but i guess it's necessary since it's getting cold and you know i will find an excuse not to go running outside... i'm also not in the mood to be crippled like i used to be when doing p90x... ugh choices. hahaha. i know what to do to be skinny, i just don't want to do it i guess is the ugly truth. I mean, i see people running up and down peachtree every day... I mean it says something that they're ALL skinny and PERFECT looking- they're out there running hard, sweating- while i pass them staring chowing down on my egg and cheese biscuit cursing them for their skin tight spandex that probably wouldn't go up my ankle... ugh.

i get it, i get it. i need to do something. see? all this venting has helped. it's made me feel like i have said it once and need to be accountable to not come back to this depression in 3 months. hah. I mean the MAIN issue is: I'm 24 and there are mom's out there {such as my own...} with better bodies. I mean, i must be adopted because my own mom is 5"1' and a double zero. teeny. and then there's me. ugh. haha
i seriously DO NOT want another summer of begging ordy to turn around before i drop my towel and jump in the pool hahahahaha he LOVES that {not}. I feel like losing weight would make me feel so much happier... it always does. i'm not ok with my body. i'm not being vain or superficial, but i am not ok with all the unhealthy decisions i have chosen and the price my body has had to pay. i am giving myself until May to attempt to lose some weight. I will set more specific goals but as of now, I am not telling anyone but my journal haha. I know tomorrow will be hard as i face being the biggest hypocrite when i ignore my gut instinct to choose more wisely... but hopefully I will start the day off RIGHT. one day at a time...

At least on days i can't control my weight nightmare- there are a few things i can control {thank the good Lord above}... here a few of my favorite things when it comes to my "in a rut" days... aka beautification time...

OPI on sale??? um hello...

 I wish i could get paid for the following because i am living proof they work and work WELL....
I actually can't find my straightener, but luckily i convinced my sister it was so awesome she bought the same one shortly after, so i'm just using hers until i buy another one. THANK goodness these are so affordable!!! this straightener is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. it has allowed me to wake up and decide if i want straight or curly hair. i can shower, blow dry, AND straighten my afro in one hour... that used to take me FOUR hours to do!!! i am about to buy this guy again.

My amazing nail salon... and their Shellac. I am obsessed with durable nails. my last purple mani lasted FOUR weeks. i didn't even have a single chip when i went to get them redone- i only redid them bc i was sick of the color!

I love this self tanner when i don't have time to spray tan {obsessed with VERSAspa spray tan...mot a fan of mystic tan}. i got it on clearance at a semi annual at bath and body works for around the same price... so i'm ok with the fact that i only bought one last sale just to see if i like it- and i do... so maybe i'll get more next sale- even tho i have more than enough for the next two years haha

threading! (generic google pic)

i am pretty much addicted to my eyebrow threader. i have been going there for 7 or 8 years now and have sent everyone and their moms to my lady. she is soooo good. she can look at your face, see the shape, and groom them to perfection. it doesn't hurt, seriously. it's way more precise than waxing! if you live in Atlanta, you have to go visit Arches Salon in Lenox mall (across BeBe). they have shops in Town Center and other malls, but my favorite is Lenox. Saleema and Zera are my favorite girls! (i was not paid for such rave reviews haha, if only my blog were big enough!)

An old friend got me hooked on this in undergrad, and if i were disciplined enough my teeth would blind you this stuff works that good- for WAY less than white strips... i saw a difference on the 3rd day... gah, i swear no one is paying me (but they should...)

My make up splurge for mascara:

In.Sane.Lashes. like whoa. These make your lashes look incredibly thick and long. the little ball is so handy for going close to the inner eyelash (where it's closest to your nose) and cover each lash instead of a generic wand. If you want "wow" lashes, you should splurge just once and try this... it's worth it i promise. if not, send me your tube and i'll pay you for it haha my own guarantee. (just kidding!)

And now for the final reveal... my Secret Weapon {guess it's not such a secret anymore...}

that's the one I actually have. the one i spent wayyyyyy more than it goes online for. i thought i got a deal for $130'ish from the guy that suckered me in at the kiosk in the mall {i can't say no} but honestly, the thing does SUCH a great job that I could care less. plus it has a lifetime warranty. LIFETIME. and if i ever get sick of the fat curler i can get the skinny one or for a straightener. it was worth every penny. I honestly am thinking about buying a second off amazon for back up... in case i ever lose this one (like my straightener)... 

Not convinced? Here, I'll show you:

sorry about the creepy collage, i just wanted to show that every.single.time. i use that thing- my curls come out flawless :) (anytime i post a pic with the curler curls i get at LEAST 6 people ask me how i did it)

another curler curl day with my favorite boy under 5

you're welcome for sharing my secrets. haha jk. i have been wanting to tell my girlfriends who always ask on facebook how my wavy curls are so awesome- and now you know! p.s. i am obsessed with the amazon link buttons, i am fascinated with being able to put a link and show a picture! it's like i'm spelling it out for you hahaha.

that's pretty much all i can do to feel better about myself... since i don't dye or cut my hair haha i can't gush about my fav salon hah but other than that, these are just some things that make me happy!

K, i'm off to bed- busy, busy day tomorrow!

Beautification Week

Yesterday was an amazing day for me. Why? Because I spent the entire day going to my comfort stores. The stores I go to that help me appreciate living in America: Homegoods, Target, Marshalls, Ross, etc. I actually woke up and decided I was going to spend the entire week this week on "Beautification". Sounds vain, but it isn't... it's just a day (in my case this time, week) spent on taking care of yourself to make you feel better. My best friend India and I came up with it a long time ago. Our Beautification nights would consist of her coming over with all of her nail polish and us doing our nails, facials, hair, and anything else to feel pretty at the end of the night... silly, I know. It was usually on dreary nights, bad days, or just any time we felt down about ourselves. We both used to go to Ulta in our slumps and spend a ridiculous amount of money on products we thought would make us feel better. My slumps usually come when I've been so busy with school or life that I've neglected myself. When I feel like losing weight is hopeless, going to Ulta at a time like that proves dangerous. I come back out with 8 different nail polishes that add up to $75... sick, I know. I go in and decide I hate my hair, my nails, and want new make up and face wash (things that I can instantly fix, unlike my weight). I have taught myself to limit my "down days" and taught myself to avoid Ulta when I feel a Beautification Night approaching.

Last Ulta Trip Damage + 4 more colors in my basket *Notice chipped thumb nail, probably prompting the entire BN

Anyhow, ever since being away and having those "fuzzy things" you call eyebrows on my face, losing my amazing Caymans glow, and having grey hairs pop up that Ordy Boy amused himself by plucking out of my head when I wasn't paying attention- I decide a "BN" was needed the first day I got to America. Because I had TOO much to do in order to feel "beautified", I allowed myself to call it a Beautification Week! 

It goes something like this:

Take Care of the Fuzzy Caterpillars: I made my very first stop to my favorite eyebrow threader, Saleema. I can't move out of GA because of this woman. She works miracles, and can make me look 10 lbs lighter in my face because of the right arch. I've been going to her for 6 years now and I know what the word "addicted" truly means. I plan major events around her schedule, it's that serious. 

Get Back the Caymans Glow: I know half the people who read this will scold me, think less of me, and judge me- but what's new haha. I want everyone to realize one thing before I continue: I am incredibly fair skinned. I am naturally very white/pale, and have been known to have porcelain-like skin, but that was years ago before I met the tanning salon. I WILL ADMIT, I used to have a problem, "tanorexia"... and I never felt tan ENOUGH. But, having a sister helps. Sher would give me reality checks and call me Snookie, show pics of me being the tannest (orange-est) person everywhere and not fitting in. So, I toned it down from tanning everyday to tanning 2-3 times a week just to maintain some color. I get grumpy when I am pale. I feel fatter, so tanning is my thing I will probably always budget (a lot) for. Anyhow, I've also realized spray tanning is a much healthier option, and even more practical (I get an instant glow). Second stop for BW, Palm Beach Tan. I unfroze my membership (froze it over the summer since I could lay out, and travel), and enjoyed getting some color back on!

"Snookie" Days

Wash That Grey Right Outta My Hair: I have had grey hair since I was 15. My mom had her first grey hair pop up around then as well, thanks mom. It's not just one or two, it's all over. Mostly around the right side above my eye when you lift the hair up- so I learn how to part my hair and how to pull back my hair for pony tails <-- can't do. I have to have cafeteria woman buns that keep my original part with a low bun in the back because I can't put up my hair and ruin the part, otherwise I would have a streak of grey on the right side going up into the ponytail. Ordy Boy likes playing a game and finding the hairs that are "1/2 and 1/2". Yep, half black and half grey. Anyway, grey no more. I died my hair back to black last night.

1/2 and 1/2 on my way to nail salon

Perfectly Polished: I have always been known to have my nails done perfectly. This is another thing that will always be in my budget. I would rather skip a meal than have busted nails or gross unpedicured feet.  I'm not even talking about fake nails- I don't do fake nails anymore because of the upkeep and the price, I just mean getting some polish on the nails. I think all women should pamper themselves. It's my reward every two weeks. I think that's a fair amount of time to go. My dad used to make fun of me because at one point I was SO BROKE I bought a used tire for my car when I got a flat, but I still had a perfect manicure that he knew was recent. He said my priorities are whack. I will say it's happened once or twice where I have been so tight for money I couldn't make it to the salon to get them done, but I will ALWAYS be able to do them myself at home. There's no reason not to have pretty hands and feet! I recently discovered a new nail polish alternative (through my friend Jenny) and am obsessed. It's like a nail lacquer that lasts 2-3 weeks!!! Imagine that! No easy chipping! I'm in love with it. I had french nails for 3 weeks and loved it. It was a gel that went over and made the nail LOOK like fake nails, but I loved knowing they were my own! 

Before the trip manicure

Eating Better, Feeling Better: I ate such crap on the trip and it's taking its toll. I feel heavier. I can hardly fit in my clothes comfortably. I need to get back to my routine of eating right and working out. Before the Caymans I cut out starch and processed food for 3 weeks and lost 9 lbs. I miss how good it feels to lose weight and see results. It's so discouraging to wake up and know you're a whopping 45 lbs heavier than your high school self. I know I'll never ever be a size 2 again, but it's annoying! I know people only know me as a "bigger boned" girl and I'm ok with it because I'm not FAT, I'm just curvy, or chubby. But it's crazy to think I used to share clothes with my mom and sister, and would be in the "skinny" category, which I could not even come close to being in now. I'm not saying this to milk compliments or have people tell me otherwise, I'm saying it to be real with my feelings. I battle with my weight and it's something that haunts me all the time! I need to quit saying and start doing. I'm going to start my video workouts in my living room again since I just cancelled my gym membership yesterday (hahaha, oh the irony). The story with that: I signed up last year for Anytime Fitness, $350 activation fee and $15 a month 24/7 gym and found myself NOT having ANY time with school and when I found time it was midnight and I didn't feel safe going alone and couldn't convince anyone else to work out there... So, I kept it for a whole year for no reason (I guess I wanted to think I'd get my money's worth??) and read in the contract I randomly found in my car that after the first year the monthly fee doubled. So I had to cancel since I wouldn't go for $15 a month why would I go for $30? Anyhow, I have found myself doing fine with in house workouts and walking around with Bandit outside. 

High School Sheila... haha (LAST TIME I EVER got a haircut!)

I am going to enjoy this week, because who knows when the next one will be!!!

  

Two Fuzzy Caterpillars On My Face...

"You may have caterpillars on your face, but at least you smell good!"      -Ordy Boy.

At least? Thanks Ordy, love you too.

 I have managed to go almost 3 weeks without threading and I am seriously suffering. I had to leave my tweezers in the car because I couldn't check them and I assumed I'd just buy a pair here- I haven't found a single pair of tweezers under 20 Euros... I have been facing a huge dilemma... Asking a stranger for her grooming supplies, or face the facts- I have two fuzzy caterpillars on my face. Ordy Boy can't even look at me without laughing. I don't even know what to think of it at this point! I had to wear a hat after that comment today before dinner haha... and trust me, I kept the bill extremely low, especially when he would look at me. At least I don't grow them in a unibrow style... there's just a lot of random hair under the actual brow- that's driving me insane, especially since it's obvious to the usually oblivious male eye!

I sucked it up and wore a hat and we headed out towards the Ralph Lauren store and Massimo Dutti (Ordy has been wanting to go but he's been getting off work late and they close at 8'ish). Afterwards, I wanted him to see Lafayette in all of it's architectural glory and the minute we crossed the street and entered I had a changed boyfriend. It wasn't even gradual. It was an instant change. Suddenly, I had a brat on my hands! No, really... he was so cranky/grumpy I thought I did/said something to upset him!!! I would ask him what was wrong and he would grunt like a caveman! I was so confused and instantly thought- oh he's hungry, duh! So, I immediately thought to offer food suggestions. I barely got 3 words out of him... "Whatever. You pick." Suddenly, after about 10 minutes in LaFayette and now, without even noticing, we were on the 4th floor he snapped. He had enough of the crowds, enough of the store, enough of being pushed around and HAD TO GET OUT! Ooooohhhh, I get it. Sounds familiar.  Hahaha

The start of grumpy ordy boy

We turned right back around, took 4 escalators to the bottom, and shot out a side street to walk to dinner. We ended up having McDonalds (our first American meal, and so much better here!) and the minute we sat down he was normal again, I even got a smile. He apologized for his behavior and said, "I have no idea why, but it got to me. I'm sick of the crowds!! The store was so hectic/chaotic! I had to get out and I didn't know how to communicate it, every little thing was upsetting me!" Luckily, I knew exactly what Ordy Boy was feeling. I couldn't agree more and I actually felt bad for dragging the poor guy there after a long day of work- I mean, I'm a girl and I panicked, of course he was miserable! HA!

Few pictures I took today in our short trip for the evening ha

Can we say, "baller"

Too pretty, too unreal, too much!

Only in France... Pistachio McFrappe. I got one for Ordy Boy to cheer him up. Haha

Check out the size of the Frappe next to a Regular Soda... No wonder everyone's skinny. 1.) They smoke, and 2.) the desserts aren't Yogli Mogli sized haha

I will be going soon. I need to go soon!

I'm in love with a window display...

Ordy Boy passed out at 8p.m. (still daylight) and I have been ordering text books in the dark on my laptop haha. I don't blame him because he worked a 15 hour day yesterday and I am pretty tired from having a blog mishap last night haha (I tried to make it better, only to make it worse and freak out at 4 a.m.) I'm off to bed!